


Pretty Lies // Ugly Truths

by rebelrie13



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Drinking, Eating Disorder, F/F, Free Verse, Hope, Love, Nonbinary Character, Other, Poetry, Rape Recovery, Weed, that gay shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-01-04 17:12:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 2,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12173229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rebelrie13/pseuds/rebelrie13
Summary: A collection of my poetry





	1. breathe with me

breathe, darling

in and out

my lungs

are your lungs

we can breathe together

I will love you

hold you

until the last moment

I draw breath

until my fingertips

turn to dust

we are an eternal ending

on the verge of

catastrophe

utter chaos


	2. How to become a belonging

i always wanted someone

to grab my hand

hold it to their chest

like a small child

 

reality is so much less glamorous than fantasy

you never held my hand to your heart

but you did hold my heart in you hands

you ripped it straight out

still beating

 

let my blood drip down your arms

put your mark on the hollow space between my ribs

i can feel it every time i breathe


	3. How to break free

broken glass across your knuckles

scream scream scream until your throat is raw and hoarse

clip off a lock of hair with safety scissors

 

use a needle and some thread to show

that you are not something to be collared

that you are a goddamn flame and any hands that touch you

will be burned

wrap your own in an old t shirt covered in

grass stains from a day in the backyard with my brothers

 

this is not a smile i am baring my teeth


	4. How to write a poem

string your words up

bind them together

and lay them out

on a coffee table

do not wait for

instructions

you make the instructions

you can create

and destroy

in a way

that is singularly

unique

these echoes

of fingerprints


	5. How to be a fucking wreck

break me down

the pieces will finally

match

rip out the heart

I don't want to feel

it beating

one more word

one more touch

one more

and we cry tears

of acid rain

'cause darling

this body is corroded


	6. How to fall apart

bite down

scrape your teeth

harder

dig your nails in

harder

wait for the blood

to come up

beneath the skin

you don't go deep enough

to see it

but always deep enough

to taste it

run

run

run.

hide from salt

and ugly words

that scrape along

the edges

like sandpaper

imprint the sawdust

into the raw

skin.

it will burn

burn

burn

the body is turning to ashes

but it is not

a phoenix

and it will not

wake

back

up


	7. The Little Things

sometimes i think that you hold all the happiness in the world in you smile

and my heart beats faster at the thought of it

so many people find beauty in pain

and i confess to being one of them

but that beauty loud and chaotic and all consuming

there is a simpler one, so much softer

when our hands brush together as we walk to the library

when a mother kisses even the smallest of wounds

the bone deep contentedness on Christmas morning

running around in the grass

it's protecting your little brother from every hurt

sitting together late at night playing games

telling him there will be others after his first breakup

wrestling in the backyard over a game of monopoly

arguing in the backseat over whose music is better

it's learning to trust again after being abandoned

discovering that not all touch leaves bruises

some people will love you without stealing your heart

it is not weak to let someone in or ask for help


	8. On the Art of Decomposing

cut right at the seams, so you come apart in even pieces

jagged ends get caught in the door

wear a smile like it's broken glass

shines in the light and gets caught it open wounds

but it really comes down to red

paint it on your nails so they look like claws

dig those claws into your arm so they match

lipstick like war paint i've got a mouth full of fangs


	9. Untranslatable words no. 1

toska  
n. /tō-skah/

1\. rain falling on a windowsill with cracked paint/the silence between songs on a playlist/a cloudy sky at midnight/a baby crying/reaching out for a lover that isn't there/a hollow ache/black-and-white aesthetic filter/shattered glass from a picture frame

2\. all the stars you see are long dead/there is no way to bring them back/a tragedy can never be undone/the conversation that does not come to pass/some evil has no reason/there will always be pain in the world


	10. Untranslatable words no. 2

hyggelig  
adj. /higg-eh-lig/

1\. sitting by the fireplace with a book/sipping hot cocoa after playing in the snow/waking up early for christmas/truly believing in the power of a pinky promise/inhaling the scent of mint tea/watching dust float through the sunlight/a baby laughing with no restraint/smiling at the thought of a loved one/tooth gaps and freckles/learning to say "i love you"/sitting in a field of wildflowers


	11. A Prepise on Self-Destruction

there is a fine line between artistic inspiration  
and becoming a tragedy  
when your heart beats too fast for the hollow space between your ribs where she used to be  
every breath feels like you're being stabbed  
it hurts so good a bittersweet ache  
eyes shine so bright when full of tears


	12. When your body doesn't feel like your body

it's the old dress in the back of my closet  
too tight around the shoulders  
squeezing until you can no longer stand tall

a puzzle made of pieces crammed together  
the image is distorted and the edges don't fit


	13. Alone at 2 a.m.

I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared.

It's a secret that flashes through me with every heartbeat. Because there is nothing to be afraid of.

But that is a lie, the cruelest lie that I was ever told.

Why on earth did my father say that monsters aren't real? They don't live under your bed but I see them in the streets and I feel them in my mind.

Put two fingers two my wrist and feel my heartbeat.

Because it is beating and I am alive.

I have survived.

I rub the scars, gently, so gently.

I can wrap my fingers around my wrist and my heart lurches at the thought.

It's not supposed to make me happy.

Hollow bones are for birds but I am no bird and they will not make me fly.


	14. Mother

you were my mother

and I loved you with all I had

i'd never had a mother before you

i think that's why this hurts so much

because this is becoming a pattern

of me loving

and me breaking

because the people i love will never love me

the way i love them


	15. Little Thoughts

i didn't want you to see me fall apart

so I said goodbye to the only person

who could save me

...

At night I count

not the stars

but the dark

...

Meet me by the deepest part of the river

We'll drown together

...

You stand there,

Your eyes glittering

Like diamonds

Made from plastic

And lies

...

Your hands brush my neck

I remember his hands

I remember bruises

...

I don’t know if my throat

Was fully formed

It shakes

Mangles my breath

Until every inhale is toxic


	16. These Children

We disappear

like shadows

When the sun

lights a room unobscured

Always there

but hidden

A vast network

of stars

Illuminating the night sky

only to vanish

as the sun

appears

We are the silence

Broken by

A shout

A crash

A whisper

A promise

never quite the same

After it has been lost.


	17. This isn't a fairytale

there is no secret passageway behind the bookcase  
and the body lying at the bottom of the stairs is no hoax  
this is not a mystery to be solved  
this is not an adventure to be achieved  
this is a tragedy with pretty words around the edges

(if you wrap velvet around a hammer  
it can still bash your head in)


	18. When you try to write like the greats

If my heart is still beating

And the tears are still falling

Then darling

Please know that I am still with you

 

When my lips are moving

Gentle whispers falling like leaves

From a tree

Will you fall with me?

 

Even if you find me sitting in the dark

With my eyes closed

Fists clenched and knuckles white

My love, I’ll always need you


	19. But then I remembered that it was bullshit

My thoughts aren’t pretty

When I want to walk straight off

The ledge

There weren’t any similes or metaphors

Just an agonizing, endless litany

Of apologies for existing

 

The scars that line my arms

Don’t look like spiderwebs in the moonlight

They look like fucking scars

It’s skin that rebuilt itself to stretch

The distance between the edges

Of a broken heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this didn’t suck too much


	20. "If you're not Miss then what do I call you?"

You can call me a person

Make up a sound

Of letters smashed together

That’s all a word is

But some words hold my heart in a vice grip

And a binder can hollow out the pain

Just a little

But you keep asking

 

“If you’re not a girl then what do I call you?”

I’m a person

Who isn’t quite sure how to breathe

With these weights on my chest

And maybe my existence is hard for you to follow

 

“If you’re not a girl, then why did you wear that dress?”

Fuck you

My life is not a museum exhibit

I am not a proud artist

Ready to answer questions

About how I turned my body

Into a masterpiece

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was debating whether to post this, because it's really personal to me, but I really liked it, so here you go.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just wrote this btw I’m still drunk and it’s still 3 am
> 
> Also HarleySlytherinQuinn you are spectacular

I’m drunk at 3 am

Off of cheap whiskey

And fuck everything

I’m still kinda sad

I can’t feel the tips of my fingers

But I still want to cry

 

God maybe that’s the reason

I’m alone and drunk at 3 am

And isn’t that just a pathetic time

3 am

If you’re at a party it’s dying down

the drunk girl you’ve been dancing with is about to pass out in the corner

If you’re studying this is when

the last Red Bull is wearing off

And right now

If you’re sitting in the couch

Drinking cheap whiskey

Out of a shot glass you bought for your cousin

But never gave her

This is when you realize that maybe

you should drown your sorrows

in a way that’s slightly more permanent


	22. It’s called hope

I could create a constellation

From the stars in your eyes

Weave together our dreams

And wrap myself in their warmth

 

Do you feel it?

Do you see the lights shining?

Our voices are growing

Do you hear them?

That mighty whisper shaking mountains to the ground

Clasp our hands together

Don’t let go-

The water is so deep

But darling I think that we can fly tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For all the activists who are fighting


	23. Chapter 23

I didn’t mean to let it go this far

But I never have been good at holding on

To the things that matter to me

Maybe this is my greatest self-destruction

Giving pieces of my heart

To people I know won’t cherish them

But damn it feels good not to be alone

Those nights when you’re high enough

That the world is finally in focus

Smoke curling against her skin

Our skin

Before I’m smoking in my bedroom

Remembering the way she laughed


	24. The Contained Breakdown

I say I need to go to the bathroom

It’s not exactly a lie

I do need to go

Somewhere private

So no

It’s not exactly a lie

I go inside

Close the door

softly

Because I don’t want to be suspicious

There are a few stages

The details are always different

But the setting doesn’t matter

First comes the breakdown

Almost as soon as the door closes

Tears come straight away

Like a dam bursting

And then I pull myself together

My face goes expressionless

I wipe my face

Methodically

Practice smiling in the mirror

I leave feeling like a ghost

There’s always an excuse

For why I was gone so long

And I’ve learned that if you don’t bring attention to it

Most people don’t look close enough to see

The stray tears that fall

In the aftermath

I notice though

The salt in the tears

Itches as it dries

And the skin under my eyes

And my body

Doesn’t quite fit and I wince

As pieces move out of place

And I have to hope

That they don’t get too misaligned

(the hope didn’t matter.

it happened anyway.)


	25. Chapter 25

They say home is where the heart is

But you aren’t sleeping in the empty space I made for you

My heartbeat echos around

Inside it itself

 

I thought love made you feel complete

So why does my chest

Feel scraped clean

like the inside of a cantaloupe

The remains sticky on your fingers

Heavy on your tongue


	26. These Nights

I don’t know how to dance

Not really

And what I do isn’t beautiful

It’s a bit like poetry, actually

Explosions of movement

Created for the music

Trying my hardest to create something out of nothing

And god does everything become deep

I want to be shallow

Flirty little smiles

Different bodies every day

Someday

I’ll erase your touch


	27. Chapter 27

I screamed until my throat was raw

Coughing up blood

A parody of a smile

Twisting my lips into a snarl

Stained red

Are you afraid?

Because I am

I want to stop breathing

Until my vision goes black

I want to heart to stop beating

Long enough for my hands to stop shaking


	28. The Silence

I’m three glasses

Five bowls

Four prescription medications in

My eyes are dry

And I keep swallowing

To get the taste out of my mouth

But it won’t leave

So I take a few shots

Pretty soon

I’ll forget how to think

I’ll fall to the floor

And it’ll be silent

Until I wake up


	29. The Collapse

I move with the intent hide

This is obvious

In the way I curl into myself

Arms hugging my chest

Legs twisted out of the way

I will be a contortionist

Bend over backwards and invert myself

To try and spare inconvenience

 

I taught myself how to breath quietly for a number of reasons

practical

_Reading under the covers, in corners, disappearing_

survival

_I didn’t want my mamma to know where I was hiding, the monsters on the other side of the door_

tactical

_I want to exist without their eyes on me, not unknown just unnoticed_

 

I make small movements

Always look before I turn

Because it will always

Always

Be my fault

I’m sorry it’s just how I was raised

I’ll whisper my defense

Hoping

And not hoping that you will hear me

And hating both

Because what I want to do is scream

But I was trained not to make a sound

And my instinct is collapse inside myself

Before you can touch me


	30. it’s called a downward spiral for a reason

Too far to go back now  
Oh shit can I go back now  
Nobody ever told me it would hurt  
Well they did I wanted the hurt  
Got myself in I can’t get myself out  
Bitch it’s called a downward spiral for a reason

Took a drink and I hated it so I took another  
Left came back it was almost gone  
Downed the rest got in the car  
Breathe breathe breathe in  
And out that cloud  
We floatin down the road  
And we ain’t never stopping

I got myself into this I can’t get myself out  
Bitch it’s called a downward spiral for a reason

I’m a soft high he’s a hard guy  
She’s a good girl I can’t have her  
Cause she like that bad boy  
It’s ok though I’m just lookin for a good lay  
And I’m high enough to lie


End file.
